| Be Gentle | BE NICE and respectful.
No attacks. No verbal or physical attacks. No hitting or clenching fists. No harassment of any kind. Express anger directly with words. No threats. f you have to describe painful consequences for not getting what you want, describe them calmly and without exaggerating. No 'manipulative' statements, no hidden threats (no "I'll kill myself if you..."). Tolerate a "no." Stay in the discussion even if it gets painful. Exit gracefully. No judging. No moralizing. No "If you were a good person, yuo would..." No "you should" or "you shouldn't." Abandon blame. No sneering. No smirking or eye rolling. No cutting off or walking away. No saying "that's stupid" or "I don't care what you say." |
| Act Interested | LISTEN and APPEAR INTERESTED in the other person.
Listen to the other person's point of view. Face the person; maintain eye contact; lean toward the person rather than away. Don't interrupt or talk over the person. Be sensitive to the person's wish to have the discussion at a later time. Be patient. |
| Validate | With WORDS and ACTIONS, show that you understand the other person's feelings and thoughts about the situation. See the world from the other person's point of view, and then say or act on what you see. "I realize this is hard for you, and..." "I see that you are busy, and..." Go to a private place when the person is uncomfortable talking in a public place. |
| Use an Easy manner | Use a little humor. SMILE. Ease the person along. Be light-hearted. Sweet-talk. Use a "soft sell" over a "hard sell." Be diplomatic. Leave your attitude at the door. |
| Be Fair | Be fair to YOURSELF and to the other person. Remember to validate your own feelings and wishes, as well as the other person's. |
| No Apologies | Don't overapologize. No apologizing for being alive or for making a request at all. No apologies for having an opinion or for disagreeing. No looking ashamed, with eyes and head down or body slumped. No invalidating the valid. |
| Stick to values | Stick to YOUR OWN values. Don'y sell our your values or integrity for reasons that aren't VERY important. Be clear on what you believe is the moral or valued way of thinking and acting. "Stick to your guns." |
| Be Truthful | Don't lie. Don't act helpless when you aren't. Don't exaggerate or make up excuses. |